You know that feeling you get in your gut, that instinct where you just know that you’re meant to do something or meant for something?
I had that tonight. I have it every time I finish reading a dystopian novel like Uglies or Hunger Games or Divergent or Noughts and Crosses. That feeling where I just know that I’m not suited for this generation I’m in. I’ve been born too soon. This isn’t my time. My mum thinks I’m insane, as does my friend who I’ve texted to tell, but I can’t help it. I can feel it in my bones. I’m reading about these cities and laws and ways of life that don’t exist and just know that those are the environments where I belong. Not here, in 2013, but sometime off in the future.
Don’t get me wrong, there are aspects of my life that I love and wouldn’t change for the world, but that doesn’t stop the gnawing feeling inside me that I’m not supposed to be here and it’s all a big mix up.
I wish I could change it but I can’t. I’m stuck here. And that’s exactly the feeling – stuck.
I’ve been feeling that way lately. Even without all the dramatic futuristic books I’ve read, I feel like I’m currently just going along and existing, not living. I don’t know how to change it. How do you wake up one morning and suddenly decide: “Right, I’m going to start living my life!”? It’s really not that easy. Want to know why? Consequence. We’re all ruled by it. We stop ourselves from doing so many things we want to do because of consequence – we don’t like the thought of what might happen afterwards. We can’t let go and enjoy things too much because of what might happen afterwards. I hate living that way. I’m really impulse driven, and I find it hard to fight off. If I want to do something or say something, I go one of two ways – I either do it without caring and go for it, or I get so crippled by thinking of what could happen that I just don’t have any experiences. I don’t trust my own judgement. I don’t trust myself.
I’ve gone a bit all over the place in this post. I’ve been terrible at writing blogs and keeping up to date but I’m going to try to get better. To be honest I totally forgot I even made a WordPress.
I will get back into it, then hopefully my next post will be more coherent and not just a garbled word-vomit of all my thoughts in one big eruption.
But if anyone perfects how to freeze yourself so you’d survive to live in the future, let me know, because I’d be really interested.